


Hiareth

by jenjaemrens



Series: words of love [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: But it's Christmas, Christmas fic, M/M, Mark appears at the end but like he is present throughout the fic idk if you get it, Post Break Up, but idk if it even gives the christmas vibe, chensung are only mentioned, idk how to tag sorry, jeno is angry, kinda fluff at some parts?, nomin christmas, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 00:32:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17090696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenjaemrens/pseuds/jenjaemrens
Summary: Hiraeth; homesickness for a home you can't return to





	Hiareth

**Author's Note:**

> First of all thanks to Shyra for actually putting up with me, telling me to write and for reading my work after every few hundred words and reassuring me that it's good. But it's her job to do that so nevermind.  
> Secondly, thank you for even giving this fic a shot. I'm terrible at this but I hope you guys like it.  
> T.Swift's All too well was the inspiration for this but then it moved on to more. i hope you guys like it!

The bell of the store rang as Jaemin entered the cafe. It was almost empty, save for the two girls sitting near the bookshelf at the back. Jaemin stood there at the entrance looking at the place he hadn’t visited in two years. It was the same. The cafe looked just as it did the last time Jaemin entered here two years ago, on the same date, for one last cup of coffee before leaving. He didn’t think he’d be strong enough to come here again but here he was. Perhaps he was better.

 

“Oh my god, is that you, Na Jaemin?” 

 

Jaemin turned towards the shriek and saw Donghyuck standing behind the counter holding a cup. One second Donghyuck was standing there and the next he jumped over the counter and ran over to Jaemin, hugging him tightly.

 

“What the hell Jaem, is this really you?”

 

Jaemin laughs, hugging Donghyuck just as tightly. Donghyuck was the only one among all his friends who was just as into skinship as he was. He’d never shy away from Jaemin’s hugs and Jaemin would never move away from his. Hugging his friend after two years made him feel warm.

 

Yes, he was home.

*

Jaemin sat down, watching as people passed by the cafe bundled up in their clothes. It was quite cold but it had yet to snow. Everyone carried sparkling bags filled with their christmas shopping. He always loved christmas. It was a beautiful time meant for you and your loved ones but for the past two years, he avoided coming home. 

 

He turns around, looking around, smiling slightly. This place held so many memories. His caffeine addiction started thanks to this place and he was always here after school and during weekends. He remembers going to the local bookstore and picking up new books to replace some really old ones along with Donghyuck for the bookshelf here. He remembers studying with Renjun before the exams and tests in this cafe.

 

He looks at the two girls, giggling and sharing a piece of chocolate cake and remembers the taste of hot chocolate on someone else’s lips when Jaemin would lean in and steal kisses. Jaemin remembers laughing while he groaned. Jaemin remembers what it felt like to hold someone’s hand in this cold weather and feel warm.

 

“Here you go! Your favourite!” Donghyuck sets down the steaming cup in front of Jaemin with a grin.

 

“Did you poison it?” Jaemin jokes.

 

“Nope but if it was Renjun instead of me, it would be poisoned.” 

 

Jaemin flinches. He cut off everyone at home when he decided to leave except for Donghyuck. And even then he only texted the boy occasionally. He hadn’t talked with Renjun in two years and he doesn’t know how mad he’d be. Probably furious and would scream at Jaemin. But he deserves it.

 

“You didn’t tell me you were coming home.” Donghyuck says.

 

“I wanted it to be a surprise. Are you happy to see me?” 

 

Donghyuck holds his hand and smiles at him.

 

“Of course I am happy to see you, idiot. I missed you so much.” He whispered.

 

Jaemin swallows, hoping that it wouldn’t be obvious to Donghyuck that he was tearing up. He missed the boy too. He missed everything about his friend and he was thankful that he still had him by his side even though he practically shoved the boy away.

 

“I missed you too Hyuck.” Jaemin squeezes his hand. “Now tell me everything that happened while I was away.”

 

Donghyuck grins and starts talking about everything Jaemin missed which starts from Jisung and Chenle graduating (Jaemin’s heart hurt when he remembers that he missed the graduation of those two) to the residential high school witch Jung Sohee getting caught cheating on her boyfriend.

 

“-oh god Jaem, I wished you were here! It was so funny! Renjun of course was laughing and recording the whole thing. You know that he has no soul.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Jisung was at home and Chenle was getting ice cream and Jeno was the only one who felt sorry for h-”

 

Donghyuck stopped and looked at Jaemin. Jaemin wished that he could say that he was completely fine but even now it stung a bit to hear his name.

 

“How is he?” He asks.

 

“He is good.” Donghyuck knew who he was talking about. “You know we’re all in the same university now and he got what he wanted to do.”

 

“Psychology with minor in English?” Jaemin smiled. 

 

“You know it.” Donghyuck laughs. 

 

“Is he happy?” Jaemin asks.

 

Before Donghyuck can answer someone cuts him off.

 

“Hyuck, you really left the counter to what? Flirt with someone when you have a boyfriend?” 

 

Jaemin froze when he heard that voice. He wanted to run away and hide but that wasn’t an option. He couldn’t avoid him.

 

So Jaemin stood up and faced Renjun.

*

Donghyuck leaves them alone and goes back to the counter, making up excuses that he needed to be there when other customers arrive. But they all knew it was a pathetic excuse just as they knew Renjun and Jaemin had unfinished business.

 

Donghyuck brings a cup of hot chocolate for Renjun and smiles at them before leaving. They both stay silent after that. In fact, Renjun hasn’t said anything since he saw Jaemin. He expected it. The silence was obvious but he thought that perhaps the boy would scream at him or taunt him or do something. This Renjun was blank and didn’t even look at him. He simply set the cup aside and took out his sketchbook and started flipping through it.

 

It was as if Jaemin wasn’t even there.

 

“So, Renjun how are you?”

 

Silence.

 

“Congratulations on making it into Chemical Engineering. I know that program is super tough to get into!”

 

Silence.

 

“Is this how it’s gonna be Renjun?” Jaemin sighed. He forgot how stubborn Renjun was. It was something that always amused Jaemin. “I thought you’d ask about how my university is going and what I’m studying. I know you’re mad at me but you know I had my reasons, right?”

 

Jaemin would rather Renjun scream at him or just say something no matter how cruel it sounded instead of acting like… he didn’t exist. Like Jaemin wasn’t there in front of Renjun right now.

 

“You know I got into medical school, right? Yeah, I did. It’s hard. Sometimes I feel like giving up but then I remember you said you’d kick my ass if I give up halfway.”

 

Renjun stops for just a second but Jaemin notices it.

 

“Yeah, so I stay up every night and study as hard as I can about human organs. You remember that horror movie we watched where they dissected the body of that witch and then she started haunting them? Chenle was laughing so much but you were terrified.” Jaemin laughs. “You wouldn’t sleep alone that night and you made us all sleep in your living room. You even woke us all up when you had to go to the washroom. Hyuck was so pissed.”

 

He hoped that it would make Renjun react a bit. It happened years ago when things were much simpler. But Renjun still kept jotting down points, ignoring him.

 

“Renjun, please.” Jaemin begged. “Just talk to me, scream at me, taunt me but just don’t act like I don’t exist.”

 

Renjun stops writing and puts down his pen and looks at Jaemin. Cold. Renjun’s eyes were cold.

 

“You’d know about it, right? I mean, you’re the expert here when it comes to pretending like people don't exist.”

 

It was expected but nonetheless it still felt like someone just punched him. 

 

“If that’s all you have to say then bye.” 

 

Renjun leaves Jaemin behind and marches off, not even bothering to say goodbye to Donghyuck. Jaemin looks at Renjun’s untouched cup of hot chocolate and smiles sadly.

 

At least Renjun addressed him. Baby steps. It was the little victories that mattered.

*

**M: I’m assuming it didn’t go well?**

 

**J: Well Hyuck was happy and it was nice**

**and then I saw Renjun and well that was..**

 

**M: yikes...that bad?**

 

**J: In a way? Well at least he talked to me.**

 

**M: Doesn’t sound like a pleasant talk.**

 

**J: It was better than nothing. Baby steps.**

 

**M: I don’t like this at all Jaemin.**

 

**J: It will be fine. Renjun is just a bit angry. And**

**it’s not his fault either hyung. You know it.** ****  
  


**M: You know I’m just worried right?**

 

**J: I know but you don’t need to be.**

 

**M: Are you home now?**

 

**J: Not really.**

 

**M: Where are you then?**

 

**J: Taking a trip down memory lane.**

 

Jaemin looks at the gate in front of him and the building behind it. He came to his old high school.

*

There were new banners and posters around the school. Of course. It’s been over two years since he was last here, so it shouldn’t surprise him that things were different. Different student body means new things. At least the lockers were here. Jaemin locates his and touches the cold metal.

 

_ “We should be getting to class!” _

 

_ Jaemin feels his lips on his again and he giggles into the kiss. They pull away and look at each other, smiling, They’re supposed to be at their Biology class now but someone convinced Jaemin that skipping the class would be fun. _

 

_ Well, skipping class and making out would be fun. In the middle of the hallway. He was absolutely crazy and Jaemin wonders why he even agrees with all of his plans. _

 

_ “We’re already late. Might as well not go.” _

 

_ “You’re impossible!” _

 

_ He leans in and kisses Jaemin again. _

 

_ “I know but you still love me.” _

 

_ Jaemin looks at the smiling boy in front of him and he wonders if this is what happiness truly was. Just being near him was enough and he was willing to risk his perfectly clean school records if that means he could see him smiling. _

 

_ Jaemin was happy and he was in love with a beautiful, reckless boy. _

 

_ “I do.” _

 

_ “Hmm?” _

 

_ “I love you Jeno.” _

 

An old memory. One that still had the power to hurt Jaemin. It was easier back then to love someone. He was a young teenager, open to the prospect of loving someone like he read about in books. To have someone to call his own. 

 

Jaemin was stupidly in love but people say that’s what first loves are like. 

 

He wonders if it’s a mistake to come back here to visit his old school. It was full of painful memories with him. It was in the cafeteria where Jeno asked him out. It was in that classroom that Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun and Donghyuck had detention after starting a food war. The kisses in the boys locker room before Jeno’s match. He would say Jaemin’s kisses are lucky charms for him and so Jaemin would wait till everyone else would leave the locker room before pushing the boy against the wall and kiss him.

 

He could still remember what it was like to run his hands up Jeno’s shoulder to his hair and the way Jeno would hold his face gently as if Jaemin was the most precious thing ever.

 

They had their school dances in the basketball court. Dancing wildly along with Donghyuck whenever their favourite songs were played. Dragging Renjun along with them even though he didn’t want to and would threaten them. Swaying in the dimly lit court in the middle holding each other. No one else mattered to Jaemin at that moment except for the boy who looked at him with a beautiful smile. 

 

He expected the school would be empty when he came here. After all, there was no reason for anyone else to be here.

 

Only when he goes to the basketball court he sees a boy in blue dribbling a ball and shooting. 

 

He wonders if the world hates him that he sees Jeno right now when he’s remembering every moment he spent with the boy here in this school.

 

Jaemin turns away and leaves saying that it’s because he doesn’t want to feel the pain again. He’ll probably break if they talk.

 

But Jaemin was just a coward who doesn’t want to face the boy from whom he ran away.

*

“I saw Jeno today.”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah I went to the school for… yeah I saw him there.”

 

“I didn’t know he was back yet. Renjun didn’t tell me.”

 

“Probably pissed at you that you didn’t tell him that I was coming back.”

 

A sigh. “Well he’s petty like that.” Pause. “The Christmas party is at his place. You still wanna go?”

 

Silence.

 

“Jaemin you can’t keep running away forever.”

 

Jaemin looks away from Donghyuck. He knew he couldn’t keep on running like this forever.

 

“I know Hyuck. I know.”

*

**M: So you’re going then?**

 

**J: Hyuck insisted. Plus he’s right. I can’t**

**keep on running like this every time.**

 

**M: Well he’s right. You need to face it.**

**But are you ready to do that Jaemin?**

 

**J: I suppose we’ll find out tonight.**

 

**M: Keep me updated?**

 

**J: I’ll try.**

*

_ “Look at the stars Jaem. Look how they shine for you.” _

 

_ “These are glow in the dark stars Jeno not real ones. And stop quoting songs. You’re so cheesy.” _

 

_ Jeno looks at him, smiling and puts his hand on top of Jaemin’s. They were in Jeno’s room lying on his bed and looking at the glow in the dark star stickers they put on Jeno’s ceiling while the speaker blasted whatever playlist they put on that day.  _

 

_ “It’s still the truth. You’re the light of my life Na Jaemin.” _

 

_ “Now you’re pushing it.” _

 

_ “I’m not. If you weren’t in my life it would be so… dark. You’re like my sunshine. You’re the stars to my night sky.” _

 

_ “You’re being awfully cheesy. Did you watch another one of those romcom movies with Hyuck?” _

 

_ Jeno smiles innocently and Jaemin laughs at him.  _

 

_ “Jaemin?” _

 

_ “Yes?” _

 

_ “I promise I’ll never hurt you. I’ll love you forever Na Jaemin even when I’m just dust and bones. I’ll love you.” _

 

_ “I need to speak to Hyuck about those movies. You get so sappy when you watch them and you become so cheesy.” _

 

_ “I am serious though.” Jeno slowly trailed his finger on Jaemin’s cheek. “I meant every word of it. It may sound ridiculous.” _

 

_ “I know you did. I love you Jeno. Always.” _

*

“Thank you so much Hyuck for coming with me.”

 

Donghyuck shoved him slightly. “Shut up. You’re back home after two years and you want to shop? Of course I’d join! Plus it’s never fun to shop with Renjun. I swear his sense of fashion is so… well let’s just say he should be happy he’s cute otherwise...”

 

Jaemin laughs at Donghyuck’s comment. If Renjun was here he’d probably smack him and then go off about how Donghyuck was still dating him so he should shut up unless he wants Renjun to break up with him. It made him happy that both of his friends were happy. Even though Renjun probably didn’t care about what Jaemin felt about him. Jaemin was happy. 

 

They were out shopping. Nothing particular but after seeing Jeno all Jaemin could think about was him. It was suffocating him that he couldn’t even be at peace when he was home. He needed to get out and Donghyuck just happened to be available. Not to mention Donghyuck was the only one who would hang out with him. Chenle went to China to visit his grandparents and Jisung went along. Renjun hated being around him and Jeno… it was better if they stayed away from each other.

 

“You looking for anything specific?” Donghyuck asked.

 

“Not really. Just looking around.”

 

“Oh okay then it’s okay with you if we go to the art supply store? I want to get Renjun the new paint brush set.” 

 

Jaemin shrugged. He didn’t really care. So Jaemin follows Donghyuck to the art supply store, pausing when he sees the bookstore right next to it. It’s ridiculous how every simple thing triggers a memory he buried deep inside of him. But standing right next to the bookstore he thinks back to the time when Jeno used to pull him inside it and rave on about the newest release. He always looked so happy when he was surrounded by books that Jaemin never could bring himself to drag the boy out of the shop. Even if they were getting late for something.

 

“Hey Hyuck? You go in okay? I’ll be around. Send me a text when you’re done?”

 

Jaemin didn’t wait for a reply from his friend before entering the little bookstore. It was old but it was decorated for Christmas. There was a table and on top of it was books. New releases according to the little board on top of it. That’s where Jeno would head first. Then he’d head to the back. Jaemin slowly made his way back to the shelves. He read the titles of each book, mentally marking off the books that Jeno would not read. 

 

It was pointless. It wasn’t as if Jaemin would ever get to give him a book again. He would never get to hear Jeno read him a book again while he was lying down on Jeno’s lap, content and happy because there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

 

He was the unlucky boy who lost. But it was in the past. There’s no point in remembering things that would never be again.

 

Jaemin put the book back on the shelf and turned to leave only to freeze.

 

Because standing in front of him was his past. Or in simpler words Jeno was standing in front of him looking as though he was looking at a ghost. Jaemin supposes that is what he was for Jeno.

 

“Jaemin.” Jeno says as if he couldn’t believe that Jaemin was here.

 

Hearing Jeno say his name was as if someone had ripped off a bandaid from a wound that was still healing. It was painful.

 

“Hello Jeno.” Jaemin whispered.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“Shopping. I came here for shopping.”

 

“I meant here. This town. Why are you back Jaemin?” Jeno asks firmly. He wasn’t pleased to see Jaemin. Jaemin doesn’t blame him. He’d be angry too if he was in Jeno’s place.

 

“I came home for Christmas. It’s been a while since I came back.”

 

“Yes it has. And you should have stayed away.”

 

Well that stung. Jaemin flinched at that comment. He was expecting that.

 

“Look I know you hate me-”

 

“I don’t give a shit about you.” Jeno cut off, coldly glaring at him as if Jaemin was nothing more than a bug under his expensive shoes. “I want you to stay the hell away from me and the people around me. I want nothing to do with you.”

 

“You’re being unreasonable Jeno.”

 

“Unreasonable?” Jeno asks quietly and then bursts out laughing and Jaemin hated seeing him like this. “I’m not being unreasonable Jaemin. You’re the one being unreasonable. Remember what you did?”

 

Jeno stepped closer to him, smiling humorlessly. Jaemin stood his ground refusing to back down from this confrontation even though he knew it was stupid of him.

 

“You’re the one who screwed it up Jaemin not me. You’re the one who left Jaemin. You turned your back on us and cut me off. You left me Jaemin. Forgive me if I’m trying to protect myself.” 

 

Jaemin clenched his fist trying his best to stand up straight. He couldn't break down here in front of Jeno even though he had no right to act like the victim. Because Jeno was right. He was the one who ran away from Jeno.

 

“You didn’t even tell me anything. All I got was a ‘Sorry but I can’t do this anymore. I want to do more.’” Jeno shook his head. “You know Jaemin I promised you that I would never hurt you. But what I forgot to do was asking you to do that too.” 

 

Jeno backed away from him, looking at him in disgust. 

 

“You know I wonder where did I go wrong but then it was never me. I’m not stupid to blame myself for you. It was you. You’re the biggest mistake of my life and if I could erase you from my life I gladly would.” 

 

Jeno storms out of the shop and it was only when he was out of the door that Jaemin allowed himself to break. 

 

It felt like someone had ripped out his heart and tore it into pieces. He’d prefer that over Jeno looking at him like that but it was too late for that. Because Jeno was right. Jaemin left him because he was being selfish. And if there was anything Jaemin wanted to do was to change that so that he didn’t break the heart of the boy he loves.

*

**J: I saw him.**

 

**M: Jeno?**

 

**J: Yes. Well I saw him at school too**

**but this was… we spoke hyung.**

 

**M: Was it that bad?**

 

**J: He said that he wanted to erase**

**me from his life hyung.**

 

**M: You know he doesn’t mean that.**

 

**J: It sounded like he did. I don’t blame**

**him. I really don’t. I screwed up.**

 

**M: Jaemin don’t say that. You had a**

**dream that’s it.**

 

**J: I don’t know if the dream was worth.**

**Not if it costed me everything I love.**

 

**M: You’ll be okay.**

 

**J: How do you know that?**

 

**M: Because if he didn’t care about you**

**then he wouldn’t have bothered about you**

**at all. But he was. He still cares about you.**

 

**J: He shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it. I really don’t.**

 

**M: Talk to him Jaemin. Apologise to him.**

**Explain things to him. It’s time you stop**

**running from the past and face it.**

*

“I’m actually surprised that you’re here.” 

 

“So am I. But I think it’s time I stopped running like a friend said.”

 

“Whoever that friend is sure as hell is smart. Tell them I said thanks.”

 

Jaemin smiles sipping on his drink. He imagines Mark talking with Donghyuck and can only think about how it would result in Mark running away. He should probably ask Mark to come over with him the next time he comes home. 

 

That is if things go well tonight. He wasn’t sure if he’d be attending the party but here he was at Jeno’s home for the annual Christmas party. Well it wasn’t Christmas yet but that’s what everyone calls it. When they were younger the six of them, Chenle, Jisung, Jeno, Jaemin, Renjun and Donghyuck would sneak out while the adults were busy mingling and have fun on their own.

 

Coming back here made him wish back for the time when life was simpler. It was always easier when you were kids. The older you get, the harder your life becomes.

 

“Where’s Renjun? I thought you guys were supposed to come together.” Jaemin asked.

 

“We did. But then he ditched me and ran off somewhere. Honestly I wonder sometimes if he hates me.”

 

They both knew that Renjun loved him. He loved Donghyuck since the moment the boy told him that he was the best artist in the world and they were only seven. Renjun would love Donghyuck until he couldn’t love anymore.

 

“He probably ran off because he knows I’m here with you. He hates me.” 

 

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just… mad. And he’s upset.” Donghyuck hesitated. “You are his best friend and you left. It hurt him. He acts like he doesn’t care about anything but I think that’s the thing. He feels too much and he chooses to act like he doesn’t so that can protect himself.”

 

Donghyuck pats Jaemin on his shoulder. It seems that in his attempt to live his dream of being everything he could possibly be, Jaemin had given up a lot. Including his friends.

 

“I’m sorry. I really am.” Jaemin murmured. 

 

“I know. Now you just have to say the same thing to Jeno and Renjun.” Donghyuck grins. “I suggest you go look for Jeno first because I see a golden opportunity for myself.”

 

Donghyuck winks at Jaemin’s confused look and walks past him. Jaemin follows to see where Donghyuck was heading towards. Donghyuck walked over to Renjun, tapped the boy on his shoulder and as soon as he turned to look at him Donghyuck leaned over and kissed him. Jaemin watched shocked as his friends kissed in the middle of the room filled with people now staring at them. When he pulled away he smirked at Renjun and pointed above towards the mistletoe hanging.

 

Jaemin didn’t need to wait around to know that Renjun was blushing and probably smacked Donghyuck but he’d kiss the boy again. 

 

Besides like Donghyuck said he better look for Jeno. There are a lot of things they need to talk about.

*

It was easy to find him. As kids whenever there were gatherings that they didn’t like they’d go and hide in Jeno’s backyard. No one ever went there anyways and they’d have fun running around and playing with each other.

 

For a while Jaemin contemplated not going there. Maybe Jeno wouldn’t be there? Perhaps Jeno would avoid places that held a lot of memories for them? 

 

But Jeno was there, sitting down with a bucket of what is most probably ice cream. It could be freezing cold but nothing would ever stop Lee Jeno from having his beloved ice cream. Not even when Jaemin would threaten him. He’d kiss Jaemin despite the boy’s protests but he loved it. He loved the feeling of Jeno’s cold lips on his and how sweet the kisses would taste.

 

“Was wondering if you’d turn up.” Jeno drawled.

 

“Well I hope you’re not too disappointed that I am.” Jaemin sits down beside him with enough distance so that they weren’t touching each other.

 

“I don’t care.” Jeno shrugged. “I stopped caring about you a long time ago Jaemin.”

 

“Well that hurts.” 

 

“It’s nothing compared to what I felt when you left.” Jeno said quietly. 

 

“Let me explain please-”

 

“Explain?” Jeno cut off. “Explain what? Why you left me without even a proper goodbye? You always said that you didn’t believe in long distance relationship but I thought if you’d ever leave you’d tell me. Or did I mean nothing to you?”

 

“That’s not it-”

 

“You know when you left I waited for your call? Or a text. Or like something that would show that you didn’t just leave me behind as if I meant nothing to you.”

 

Jaemin stayed silent as Jeno talked. Perhaps it would be better to talk after the boy was done venting out all his anger and frustration.

 

“It was painful. Yeah I know you’re gonna say it wasn’t easy for you but you weren’t the one who was left behind as if you were worth nothing Jaemin. You meant the world to me. If you told me that I was holding you back then I’d have let you go. But you didn’t care. You just left.” Jeno scooped up another bite.

 

Jaemin didn’t speak. He didn’t know if Jeno was done. And he remained silent waiting for Jeno.

 

“Did you even love me?” Jeno asked quietly.

 

Jaemin froze.

 

“I kept on asking this so tell me Jaemin did you even love me?” 

 

“You sound like no matter what I say won’t change your mind.” Jaemin answered. 

 

Jeno looked at him. He was beautiful. He was always beautiful to Jaemin and it hurt him. Looking at Jeno who was always full of smile Jaemin wonders that Jeno was right. Maybe he was the worst thing that ever happened to Jeno. Jeno deserved to be inside the room, a bright and warm light instead of being out here alone in the cold. 

 

“Even now,” Jeno began “you don’t say anything. So really there is no point in holding onto you.”

 

Jeno leaves Jaemin behind in the cold and Jaemin wonders if this is how Jeno felt when Jaemin left him. 

*

“You’re still here? I thought you’d leave.”

 

“Sorry to disappoint you Renjun.” Jaemin said dryly. 

 

Jaemin didn’t know Renjun was here until he heard him talk and of course it had to be a jab at Jaemin. He wouldn’t expect anything other than that from Renjun.

 

“Why are you even trying Jaemin? Isn’t this what you wanted? To just go and achieve everything you wanted without having us tie you down? I see you’re doing well in that.” He sneered. 

 

He didn’t have any right to be mad at Renjun but Jaemin was tired of people blaming him and acting like he killed someone. He made a mistake and this wasn’t how he should be punished for it.

 

He stood up and glared at Renjun.

 

“What’s your problem Renjun?” He spits. “What the hell do you want from me?”

 

“I want you to leave Jeno alone. You’ve done enough bullshit once Jaemin and I don’t need you to ruin things again. It’s not like you care about him anyways.”

 

“You don’t get to say that I don’t care about him! You know that’s a lie!” Jaemin shouts.

 

“Is it?” Renjun fumed. “Is it a lie? If you cared about Jeno then you wouldn’t leave the way you did! You wouldn't cut him off! You wouldn’t cut me off!”

 

“What do you want me to say Renjun? I am sorry? Because I am. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to tell you guys that I got into the college I’ve been dreaming about going since I was thirteen. I’m sorry that I was scared of all the arguments I’d have with Jeno about it and I’m so sorry for being scared about leaving you guys but still desperate to live my life without any limits that I left.” He exploded.

 

Jaemin stared at Renjun waiting for him to respond to him. It felt good and perhaps it was the anger but he no longer felt numb. It was the heat from his anger but Jaemin supposed that was better than freezing out in the garden.

 

“You could have just told me.” Renjun whispered. “You could have told me. I would have helped you through. You didn’t call or text and you didn’t come home. And now you’re here. You’re just back.”

 

“I’m back because,” Jaemin swallowed hard and walked over to Renjun “it’s Christmas. And it sucked spending one without all of you with me. Christmas is supposed to be a time for family and you guys are my family. And I know I made my own share of mistake but please don’t do this to me. It’s Christmas Renjun.”

 

It was their thing. A white flag of sort when they would be fighting and if it would get so bad that they’d stop talking they would check if there were any special events near. A way to break the ice and start talking again. It could be birthdays or they’d even make up something silly like ‘Donghyuck’s mom’s special cake day’ but they’d break the wall. Because they were family. 

 

And like Jaemin had said it was Christmas.

 

“You’re an idiot Na Jaemin.” And just like that Renjun grabbed Jaemin’s sweater and pulled him in a hug. He squeezed him so tightly that it started hurting but Jaemin didn’t mind. 

 

Not when Renjun said, “I missed you.”

*

It was Christmas and Jaemin was home alone. It wasn’t anything new. His parents never really cared about family time and seeing that he was an only child he was used to being alone. Usually he’d head over to one of his friend’s place but the younger ones were still in China and Donghyuck and his family were spending it with Renjun’s family. He didn’t want to intrude. That left no one and so Jaemin decided to cook for himself and watch some old movies. 

 

He was sprawled on his couch comfortably with his blanket, eating his chicken as he watched Pride and Prejudice. He never did finish the book. He didn’t have patience with classic books but the 2005 Pride and Prejudice was one of his favourites. 

 

He was happy to laze around. He wouldn’t get the chance to do it once he went back. He leaves tomorrow and this time he’d say goodbye to everyone properly. Everyone except for Jeno. He didn’t want to see Jaemin anymore so it was time that Jaemin respected him. Jeno said he wanted to let him go and Jaemin had to respect his choice.

 

Jaemin bites into his chicken when the doorbell rings. It was odd. His parents weren’t coming back until the next morning. He frowns pausing his movie and walking over to the door. He should have looked through the peephole but he couldn’t be bothered. He just wanted to see who it was and go back to his food and movie. 

 

He opens the door and freezes, not due to the sudden cold wind that hits him but the boy that stands in front of his door, decked in thick jacket and a scarf protecting him from the wind. Jeno’s cheeks were flushed from the cold and he looked as if he was about to walk away just when Jaemin opened the door. 

 

“Jeno.” Jaemin said, surprised. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I uh-I-” He stammered. 

 

Jaemin waits for his answer.

 

“I know your parents aren’t home.” Jeno says.

 

“And?”

 

“And you’re alone so..” Jeno trails off.

 

“So?” 

 

“So it’s Christmas.” Jeno whispers. “It’s Christmas Jaemin.”

 

Jaemin stares at Jeno who seemed to be waiting for him to reply.

 

“Come on in then.”

*

Jaemin grabbed the bag of marshmallows and added a few in the cup. He tried not to look at Jeno who was sitting down on the sofa Jaemin was lying on just a few minutes ago. It was childish but Jaemin pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming that his ex was in his house after what happened three days ago.

 

Well he hopes that Jeno isn’t here for another round of a shouting match because Jaemin didn’t have the energy for that. But then again he did say it’s Christmas. He grabs the mugs and walks over to where Jeno was waiting.

 

“Pride and Prejudice.” Jeno mused. “You never did have the patience for the classics.”

 

“Neither did you as far as I can remember. You always took your time to finish those.”

 

“Classics are purple prose. It takes me a while to get used to their overly descriptive way of writing. You never did have the patience for those. You’d always ask me to read them for you.”

 

Jaemin sets the cup down in front of Jeno.

 

“What do you want Jeno?” He asks. “Why are you here?”

 

“I’m not here to fight. I’m here because you’re alone and you shouldn’t be alone on Christmas.” Jeno answered. “And I’m hungry. So I hope hot chocolate is not all you’re gonna feed me.”

 

Jaemin chuckles and even Jeno smiles at him. Jaemin knew that it was just for today but he’d take it. He’d take the precious few moments with Jeno and he’d treasure them. Anyways he was leaving tomorrow. 

 

“I’ll cook as long as you promise you won’t try to help me. You’re a disaster in the kitchen.”

 

“Hey!” Jeno objects. “I’m telling you I’m better now!”

 

“We’ll see.”

*

“Lee Jeno, that’s sugar, not salt. What the hell are you doing?” Jaemin shouts when he sees that Jeno was about to add sugar in the pan.

 

Jeno froze and then looks at him with a sheepish smile. “Well oops.”

 

“This is why I tell you to stay away from the stove! Get away!” Jaemin waves him off with a glare. “And don’t you dare protest otherwise you’ll be eating this crap.”

 

Jeno pouts but moves away when Jaemin threatens him with that. Even he knew that if he messed up Jaemin would make sure he ate the whole damn thing himself. No wasting food under Jaemin’s law and even Jeno couldn’t break it.

 

“Honestly I don’t know how you’re surviving in college. Is it ramen?” Jaemin huffs.

 

“That and Renjun. We’re sharing an apartment. He cooks.” 

 

“Bless him. He’s basically saving your life.” Jaemin says. 

 

“I can’t just stand here doing nothing, now can I? I need to help you.”

 

“You’re helping me by staying away.”

 

“Jaemin please!” 

 

Jaemin didn’t need to look at Jeno to know that he was probably pouting and looking at him with those sad eyes knowing that Jaemin would melt once he looks at him. But Jaemin wouldn’t let Jeno ruin his pasta.

 

“Wanna help? Then switch on some music. No christmas songs. I’m tired of those. All you hear on radio nowadays is All I want for Christmas Is You or Last Christmas.” 

 

“Got it.” 

 

Jaemin waited for Jeno to play his songs as he checks to see if the pasta wasn’t boiling yet. He pauses when he hears a familiar old tune playing and slowly turns around to see Jeno grinning at him. 

 

“Are you serious?” Jaemin laughs.

 

“Come on! It’s one of our favourites! Remember when we’d play this on loop and dance for hours?” Jeno hold out his hand, smiling widely at Jaemin. “Come on. Dance with me again.”

 

Jaemin laughs loudly when Jeno starts clapping his hands and moves his feet, dragging them in zigzag. He moves forward even when Jaemin is shaking his head and pulls him. They spin around together singing loudly along with Chubby Checker’s voice on the speakers. 

 

_ “Come on and twist _

_ Yeah baby twist _

_ Ooh yeah, just like this _

_ Come on little miss let’s do the twist!” _

 

They danced around even when the song ended and another started. They danced to Jailhouse Rock as if they’d never get the chance to dance again. They jumped up on the sofa and belted out the lyrics to the songs that they grew up dancing to. Jaemin only paused to turn off the stove just in time to see Jeno grab a bottle and sing Bohemian Rhapsody. He looked so passionate that Jaemin didn’t have the heart to tell him that he sounded awful.

 

No, Jaemin was too busy staring at Jeno who was just as bright as the Sun as he sang awfully along with the song, grinning as if he was the happiest now. Looking at him like this made Jaemin remember the moment when he realised he fell for Jeno. Looking at him now it was the same feeling all over again.

 

Jaemin was still in love with this boy who couldn’t sing or cook but it didn’t matter. Because he was Jaemin’s Jeno and he would always love him.

*

_ “You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.” _

 

“You really know every dialogue in this movie?” Jeno questioned.

 

“Of course I do. It’s one of my favourites after all. What kind of a person would I be if I didn’t know the dialogues to my favourite movie? Plus this part always tears me up. Now shut up and watch.”

 

Jeno chuckles and pulls Jaemin closer. They were on the sofa, cuddling as they watched the movie. It was the ending part where Elizabeth confesses to Darcy. Well she did even if she didn’t exactly use her words.

 

It should be weird cuddling with Jeno but it wasn’t. It felt comfortable and warm. It felt like home to Jaemin. Even if it was a home for just one night.

 

“You remember when I read you this book? You’d be dozing off half the time but then when we watched the movie you cried.”

 

Jaemin smiled. He didn’t want to watch the movie at first but Jeno insisted. He fell in love with it. He watches it at least once every month and he never gets tired of it. It was a story about love and he liked it when movies had happy endings. There was enough sadness in the world. At least watching these Jaemin would feel like it wasn’t always sad. And right now being here in Jeno’s arms made him happy. 

 

The credits started rolling in but neither of them made a move to switch off the tv.

 

“It’s a nice movie.”

 

“It is.” 

 

The silence was comforting. It was like old times when they’d have one of their movie dates and they’d just quietly watch the movie, happy knowing that they had each other. It felt like one of those dates again.

 

But it wasn’t. And Jaemin was running out of time. If he left without talking he’d probably regret it and he’s been living with that for the past two years.

 

“I love you.” Jeno freezes. “I always did. And I probably always will. I know I made mistakes and there isn’t anything I can do to change it. Even now it won’t change anything. Because I’ll leave again and there’s nothing that can change that. But I love you. I loved you from the moment when I was fourteen and you hugged me after you won your first tournament and I’ll love you forever. You’re home Lee Jeno but I don’t know if I can come back to you.”

 

Jeno doesn’t say anything. They stay like that in the quiet until he speaks up.

 

“I’ll be here for you. For as long as you need I’ll be here. I promised once I’ll love you forever Na Jaemin and that’s what I’ll do. You’re home too Jaemin. You’ll always be home for me too.”

 

Jeno kisses Jaemin and it’s just as sweet as Jaemin remembers. He runs his fingers through Jeno’s hair and tries to savor this kiss as much as he could. When they pull away Jeno tightened his hold on Jaemin as if he was scared of letting him go. Jaemin holds onto Jeno for as long as he can. Even when the older boy is asleep he lays awake staring at him.

 

The next morning Jeno wakes up alone with a box beside him. It was a present. Jeno opens the box and sees letters. Hundreds of letters all for Jeno from Jaemin writing about his school, his friends, his job and how hard his studies were. Things he always wanted to tell Jeno but never had the courage to because he ran away.

 

Jaemin had left again but this time he left something for Jeno. And Jeno would wait for him.

*

Jaemin had arrived directly to the party from the airport. He didn’t have time to go home so he stashed his luggage in the trunk of his car. He was in a bad state but at least he wasn’t alone.

 

“I can’t believe you dragged me with you here.” Mark muttered. 

 

“Don’t be so prissy hyung. You said you wanted to meet my friends didn’t you?” 

 

“Yes but I thought we’d meet them at the coffee shop or something not here in a party filled with people I don’t even know. Did we have to come here?” Mark sighs.

 

“Well to be honest we didn’t but,” Jaemin looks at the room full of people he hadn’t seen for a while. “I haven’t been here for two years. I missed it.”

 

Mark sighs again and starts mumbling things Jaemin can’t make out but he’s pretty sure it’s nothing good. Jaemin laughs and claps Mark on his back.

 

“Cheer up hyung! It’s Christmas!”

 

Jaemin looks around the room searching for Renjun and Donghyuck. They said they’d be here today along with Chenle and Jisung. Jisung cried when Jaemin talked to him after he was done pretending he didn’t want to talk to him. Chenle just smiled and said they missed him a lot. It felt good and Jaemin would be lying if he said he didn’t tear up when Chenle said that. He couldn’t wait to see them.

 

“Did they ditch you?” Mark questioned. “That’s kind of bad friends.”

 

“No we didn’t. Who the hell are you lanky twat?” 

 

Donghyuck appears scowling at Mark who started blushing furiously at Donghyuck’s comment. Renjun was right behind him looking at them amused.

 

“I-”

 

“Move over lanky.” He glared at Mark and then turned to hug Jaemin. “Jaemin! You’re really here! We were worried you wouldn’t be able to make it!”

 

“Christmas home without coming here? No way Hyuck you know me.” Jaemin chuckled, he sees Renjun standing beside Mark looking at them, smiling softly. 

 

It was good to be home.

 

“Who’s the guy who thinks we’re bad friends?” Donghyuck nods towards Mark. Mark blushes embarrassed and Jaemin laughs.

 

“That’s Mark hyung. A friend and he wanted to meet you guys so I brought him along with me.” Jaemin introduced.

 

“Not a great first impression you know.” Donghyuck sniffed.

 

“Hyuck enough.” Renjun called out. “Don’t worry he’s being dramatic. Nice to meet you. I am Renjun.”

 

Mark smiles, relieved probably due to the fact that at least Renjun doesn’t seem to tease him like Donghyuck. He’ll be disappointed soon enough.

 

“Where are Jisung and Chenle?” Jaemin asked.

 

“Not here yet.” Renjun rolled his eyes. “Something about gifts and all but I’m sure they’re just lazing around. You know how they are. They’ll be here soon.”

 

“Oh okay.” Jaemin looks around again and Renjun and Donghyuck exchange knowing glances. “Will you guys look after Mark hyung? I need to go and do something.”

 

Jaemin knew their smiles were anything but innocent but Mark would survive. They were gonna be staying here for a while. He needed to learn how to stay alive among them and what better way to do that than to throw him at them?

 

Mark looks at him panicked and starts to protest but Jaemin just waves and walks away. He had a very important thing to do.

*

“Do you never get cold Jeno? It’s snowing.” Jaemin complains sitting down beside Jeno on the snowy ground.

 

Jeno just tilts his head up, smiling as he feels the snowflakes gently on his face. Jaemin rolls his eyes but his heart skipped a beat as it always does when he’s hit with Lee Jeno’s beauty.

 

“Cold is good. It feels good. Better than the heat.”

 

“Does that mean you have to sit out in the cold?”

 

As always Jeno was in the backyard sitting in the cold while everyone else was inside talking and laughing with each other. Jaemin never understood Jeno’s fascination with snow and winter. It was always weird to him that someone who was always like summer to Jaemin liked winter. 

 

“Yes. I like the cold.”

 

“You’re gonna get sick.”

 

“Will you take care of me if I do?” Jeno asks quietly. “Or will you leave in the morning after Christmas?”

 

“I’m not gonna leave.”

 

“So you’re gonna stay a day longer?”

 

“As in I’m not leaving. I’m moving to Seoul like you guys. I’m staying here now. With you.” Jaemin says. “The you part depends if you still want me. If not well that’s gonna be hella awkward with me.” He adds in.

 

“This could have been a really sweet moment but you had to ruin it with you being you.” Jeno sighs.

 

“You love it.”

 

Jeno finally looks at him and reaches out to hold his hand, gently brushing his thumb across Jaemin’s hand smiling softly. He missed this. He missed Jeno’s smile and the way he would look at Jaemin as if he was the only one in this world. 

 

“I do. I really do love it. I love you. I still do and I’ll always wait for you no matter how long you take. I’ll always be your home.”

 

Jaemin leans his head on Jeno’s shoulder. Things wouldn’t be easy. They both had changed but they loved each other. Maybe things wouldn’t go well but maybe they would. Maybe they would have what Jaemin once dreamt about growing old together. Or maybe they’d have a fight and part ways. Whatever the future held they’d face it together.

 

Jaemin never was the one to wish something for Christmas. But sitting here with Jeno in the cold he made a wish that they’d both be happy together.

 

“I know. I love you Jeno. Merry Christmas.”

 

Jeno leans down and kisses him on his forehead before kissing his lips softly. This time though Jaemin just smiled into the kiss. There would be no farewell after this. This was a welcome home kiss.

~

 

**Author's Note:**

> Twt: @jenjaemrens


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